"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – L.R. Knost
When our kids are upset and need us the most are the exact moments, we aren’t prepared for, the moments we ourselves are tired, stressed, sad, or triggered. It is also exactly at those moments when our children need us the most. To be able to lead them through the emotion, through the storm, to be their emotion-coach. It’s our job to be accepting of the emotion, while at the same time teaching them how to handle those emotions. To coach our child through their feelings, from experiencing those feelings to expressing them. Our words to our kids when they are upset can either break them down or build them up. These phrases will build your child’s emotional intelligence, these are soul-building phrases
1. It’s okay to be upset — it’s good to let it out. As your child’s emotion-coach, the first thing you want to teach them is that emotions are meant to be experienced, in fact, that their emotions need to be felt. It seems like you are mad, it’s okay to be mad. It’s good to let that anger come out. Your face/body looks sad. It’s okay to feel sad. It is sad to say goodbye.
2. I hear you — I’m here for you — I’ll stay with you. The best gift you can give to another human is to stay with them in their emotion. To hold that emotion with them. That is something we must give to our children as well. To simply be with them in that emotional space. To be there. You are upset, let’s sit here for a moment. I’m with you, I’ll stay with you — it’s okay to feel _______. I won’t leave you.
3. It’s okay to feel how you feel. It is not okay to _________.” Sometimes it is necessary to use a very clear limit in how our child expresses their emotions. It isn’t the emotion itself that needs to change, but rather how they are expressing it. You look like you are really, really angry. It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to hit. I will not let you hit. Let’s go over here together and you can be angry. This is a very clear statement, hitting is not okay. As your parent, I won’t allow you to hit. I will help you regulate your anger, being angry is okay, hitting is not okay. Taking a break when we are angry, walking away for a moment is actually a good way of regulating anger. You are teaching your child to give themselves a little space to breathe and time to gain perspective.
4. How you feel right now won’t last forever. It’s okay to feel how you are feeling. It will pass and you will feel better again soon.
In-the-moment your child feels (and acts) as if their entire world is ending. Their emotions are big and overpowering and they feel that they will never feel better again — which only compounds how they feel. Reminding them that their emotions will pass will help them and potentially lessen the intensity of those emotions in the first place!
5. Let’s take a breath, take a break, sit down, pause for a minute… It is a hard thing to do to sit with an emotion. To just feel it — live in it. But if we allow ourselves to be in the moment with our emotions, then we can let them go easier. A key part of being your child’s emotion coach is simply teaching them that experiencing the emotion, feeling the emotion, helps us to let it go.
6. You are good and kind. Being dysregulated is not being bad. Being angry or frustrated is not being bad. Yet, sometimes when we are emotional, we don’t always make the best choices. Our kids may make mistakes or bad choices, but that is how they act, not who they are. This is such an important message when we emotion-coach our kids.
7. I’ll be over here when you need me. I am all for validating and acknowledging children’s emotions, but sometimes kids escalate their emotions for attention. This is a big clue-in for parents that your child needs some one-on-one time. But not right now, later when things are calm again. You can still acknowledge your child’s emotions while giving them a chance to regulate themselves. “I can see you are really upset about this. It’s okay to be upset. It doesn’t seem like what I am saying is helping. You remember what to do when you’re upset, and you remember how to calm down. I’ll be over here when you need me.”
8. Let’s have a Do-over! Sometimes everyone needs a chance to reset. Sometimes kids know they have messed up and they want to save face, they want a chance to do it better.
9. What can we learn from this? What is the lesson in this? Teaching our children that there is a lesson when we struggle is so important. That there is a lesson in our pain, disappointment, anger. That problems that are hard to solve lead to opportunities.
10. You’ll Remember Next Time. When your child does something they shouldn’t do and you correct their behaviour say this. Or when you’ve worked through a tantrum and taught them better ways to express their emotion, before they go onto the next thing say, “You’ll remember next time.” That one simple phrase communicates so much to children. It tells them that their failure today isn’t a permanent failure and that they can change.
Soderlund, Dr Ashley (2021, 16 July). 10 Emotion-Coaching Phrases to Use When Your Child is Upset. Retrieved from nurtureandthriveblog.com
A sun-safe hat
Sun-safe clothing or swimmers
We’ll provide sunscreen (Please let us know if your child requires a specific sunscreen)
A towel
